<Legolas> Goblins!
<Goblin> No no, we're.. we're battle toads! Hehe.
<Boromir> They have a cave troll.
2012-12-07
2012-12-06
Unbounded ambition
Grandpa was a man of unbounded ambition. When he was getting old and we suggested that he get his affairs in order, he asked, "By breast size?"
2012-12-01
Anime production studios
How to tell anime production studios apart:
If the plaid design on the skirt perfectly matches the movement of the skirt with every step and sway, it's by Kyoto Animation.
If it moves along with the character, but sort of breaks and bends in odd ways, it's by J.C. Staff.
If it stays perfectly still with relation to the camera while the character walks across the screen, it's by SHAFT.
If the plaid design on the skirt perfectly matches the movement of the skirt with every step and sway, it's by Kyoto Animation.
If it moves along with the character, but sort of breaks and bends in odd ways, it's by J.C. Staff.
If it stays perfectly still with relation to the camera while the character walks across the screen, it's by SHAFT.
2012-11-07
2012-10-18
And he does not share power
One ring to rule them all
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
and in the darkness, bind them
- Mitt Romney's 3-ring binder of women
One ring to find them
One ring to bring them all
and in the darkness, bind them
- Mitt Romney's 3-ring binder of women
2012-09-28
Free way
Did you know that driving 5 MPH over the speed limit on the freeway KILLS PEOPLE?
Driving 5 MPH over the speed limit on the freeway causes vehicular manslaughter, and you could face severe penalties. You wouldn't deliberately murder someone with your car, but driving 5 MPH over the speed limit does kill people.
You might assume that the penalties for driving 5 MPH over the speed limit are equivalent to a single vehicular manslaughter charge, but think again: Every time you drive 5 MPH over the speed limit, it directly leads other drivers to do the same thing. So really, you're causing COUNTLESS cases of vehicular manslaughter, and you will suffer appropriate consequences. We estimate that driving 5 MPH over the speed limit on the freeway costs us billions of lives every year.
Start driving under the speed limit. It's the law.
Driving 5 MPH over the speed limit on the freeway causes vehicular manslaughter, and you could face severe penalties. You wouldn't deliberately murder someone with your car, but driving 5 MPH over the speed limit does kill people.
You might assume that the penalties for driving 5 MPH over the speed limit are equivalent to a single vehicular manslaughter charge, but think again: Every time you drive 5 MPH over the speed limit, it directly leads other drivers to do the same thing. So really, you're causing COUNTLESS cases of vehicular manslaughter, and you will suffer appropriate consequences. We estimate that driving 5 MPH over the speed limit on the freeway costs us billions of lives every year.
Start driving under the speed limit. It's the law.
Reckoning
Bane: I'm Gotham's reckoning.
Batman: More like Gotham's WRECKoning!
Bane: That's... that's what I said.
Batman: No, WRECKoning!
Bane: I said reckoning.
Batman: No, look-- ugh... It... Trust me, it's funny in writing.
Bane: In writing? Ohhh, a pun. Yes, that is quite amusing. You should be a comic.
Batman: Actually, I am. ;D
Batman: More like Gotham's WRECKoning!
Bane: That's... that's what I said.
Batman: No, WRECKoning!
Bane: I said reckoning.
Batman: No, look-- ugh... It... Trust me, it's funny in writing.
Bane: In writing? Ohhh, a pun. Yes, that is quite amusing. You should be a comic.
Batman: Actually, I am. ;D
2012-09-26
The World of Tomorrow
Welcome to a strange new world. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the World of Tomorrow.
There are no newspapers in the World of Tomorrow. Instead, folks will get their news from the television screen. Dozens of television stations will broadcast the daily news 24 hours a day, so you can catch it at your convenience.
As the housewife becomes the working woman, she will have less time to cook a family meal. But that's not a problem, because in the World of Tomorrow, there's a Restaurant of Tomorrow on every street. The efficient Restaurant of Tomorrow can prepare a delicious meal in one minute flat, saving you time and effort.
And how about raising children in the World of Tomorrow? Well, the public education system will take care of those little guys, providing them with food, entertainment, and even a moral compass.
So, get ready to live in the World of Tomorrow. It's closer than you think.
There are no newspapers in the World of Tomorrow. Instead, folks will get their news from the television screen. Dozens of television stations will broadcast the daily news 24 hours a day, so you can catch it at your convenience.
As the housewife becomes the working woman, she will have less time to cook a family meal. But that's not a problem, because in the World of Tomorrow, there's a Restaurant of Tomorrow on every street. The efficient Restaurant of Tomorrow can prepare a delicious meal in one minute flat, saving you time and effort.
And how about raising children in the World of Tomorrow? Well, the public education system will take care of those little guys, providing them with food, entertainment, and even a moral compass.
So, get ready to live in the World of Tomorrow. It's closer than you think.
2012-09-15
I hear it's delicious
Why won't Santa's helpers go to Pennsylvania?
Because that's where they have Filleted-elfia.
Because that's where they have Filleted-elfia.
2012-08-21
2012-08-17
At least I got some experience out of it
I asked a relationship expert for advice about reaching the next level with my girlfriend. He said that if I just take a stab and tell her my feelings, she's sure to respond. So, I told her my feelings and stabbed her in the chest with a steak knife. Turns out the "relationship expert" was a quack; she never respawned.
2012-08-13
Java
Reddit is talking about the Java language. I always forget: is Java the robed dude who sold Luke the droids, or is it the big slug dude? Based on the comments, I'm guessing the big slug dude.
2012-07-08
2012-06-26
A little miss
I went to Japan to buy a loli from a vending machine, but when I punched in my selection, the loli got stuck. I tried shaking it and kicking it, but she wouldn't come out. Then I realized the vending machine was a car.
2012-06-18
Language Barrier
<M> Hello, Miss. I desire ecchi manga.
<F> I desire you.
<M> I don't know a Yuu.
<F> No, you.
<M> I said I don't.
<F> I want you in me.
<M> Look, I don't know who this Yuu person is, and I'm not interested in your sex issues.
<F> No manga issues with sex?
<M> If I did, I wouldn't be asking you about it.
<F> So you've met Yuu!
<F> I desire you.
<M> I don't know a Yuu.
<F> No, you.
<M> I said I don't.
<F> I want you in me.
<M> Look, I don't know who this Yuu person is, and I'm not interested in your sex issues.
<F> No manga issues with sex?
<M> If I did, I wouldn't be asking you about it.
<F> So you've met Yuu!
2012-06-16
Should-bes should be
Many things that shouldn't be are.
Many things that are shouldn't be.
Many things that aren't should be.
Many things that should be aren't.
Should all our should-bes be ares and all our ares be should-bes,
should
"many things should be better than they are"
be
"many things are better than they should be" ?
Many things that are shouldn't be.
Many things that aren't should be.
Many things that should be aren't.
Should all our should-bes be ares and all our ares be should-bes,
should
"many things should be better than they are"
be
"many things are better than they should be" ?
2012-06-15
2012-06-14
Chuck Norris Facts
Chuck Norris lives with his parents not because he's afraid to leave, but because the world is afraid for him to be released.
Chuck Norris doesn't wet his bed, his bed wets itself.
Chuck Norris isn't sucking his thumb, he's using his mouth as a sheath.
When Chuck Norris cries for his mommy, it's really a secret code for something totally badass.
Chuck Norris could easily beat you to a bloody pulp; the only reason he's curled up into a ball while you're kicking him in the nuts is that the thought of fighting back bores him. So, you shouldn't bother kicking him any more. You can stop now.
Chuck Norris doesn't wet his bed, his bed wets itself.
Chuck Norris isn't sucking his thumb, he's using his mouth as a sheath.
When Chuck Norris cries for his mommy, it's really a secret code for something totally badass.
Chuck Norris could easily beat you to a bloody pulp; the only reason he's curled up into a ball while you're kicking him in the nuts is that the thought of fighting back bores him. So, you shouldn't bother kicking him any more. You can stop now.
2012-05-31
Solutions
<Mathematician> If you keep eating nonstop until you've eaten your weight in food, you'll never actually stop, because your weight increases linearly with your food intake.
<Programmer> Nonsense. The user just needs to make sure he's releasing a constant stream of poop so that the weight stays down.
<NetworkAdmin> No, there's too much latency. What you need to do is connect the throat directly to the colon, and make sure it's a big enough pipe.
<Director> Do we really need the person at all?
<Programmer> Nonsense. The user just needs to make sure he's releasing a constant stream of poop so that the weight stays down.
<NetworkAdmin> No, there's too much latency. What you need to do is connect the throat directly to the colon, and make sure it's a big enough pipe.
<Director> Do we really need the person at all?
2012-05-25
Noisy Bar
"This music bores me. Let's have some sex."
"What?"
"You know, saxophones? A little jazz would be a nice change in mood. Oh, speaking of which, are you looking forward to sex as much as I am?"
"What?"
"Six o'clock is when the live band gets here. If they're good, I think we're going to have some really dirty sex by the time the night is over."
"What?"
"You didn't know? It's tradition to dance in our socks here. That is, if the music is good. Or, we could always leave if it's sex."
"Uh... if it... OH! Yeah, sure. Absolutely."
"Sweet. I'll go grab the condoms."
2012-05-24
2012-04-25
2012-03-25
J-J-J-Jason and the Argonauts
Bernie Taupin, Elton John's long-time lyricist, drew his material from many different sources, which sometimes included Greek mythology. One example is the classic song about Jocasta of Thebes, "Don't Let My Son Go Down On Me".
2012-03-03
Star Trek: The Last Generation
Space, the final frontier. These were the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Its final mission: to lie at rest in the Starfleet museum, an artifact of a bygone era of galaxies unmapped, civilizations unmet, and knowledge unknown, a time of childlike wonder, when generations of brave men and women abandoned all they knew, seeking answers buried in a sea of darkness.
2012-01-05
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