Climate change awareness

The climate scientists went about their climate change awareness campaign all wrong. Instead of talking about greenhouse gases and stuff, they should have just said that pushing gas into the air pushes the Earth down closer to Hell, which causes the planet to heat up and have more evil stuff like homosexuality and abortions. The religious right would become the strongest supporters of emission control standards.

Transformation

Oh my, oh no, where did my penis go?
Oh gosh, oh dear, how could it disappear?
Oh wait, oh wow, what are these I have now?
Oh sweet, oh dude, BRB, getting nude.

Fake

The moon landing was fake. It never landed. I see it in the sky right now.

Sun block

In the future, we will have RGBA screens for windshields, and they will use a gyroscope, facial recognition, and light sensors to automatically darken or paint over the exact area of the sun on the windshield relative to the driver and/or front-seat passenger. And someone will be granted a patent on it, as if the invention is non-obvious.

Scandal

A child pornographer's career was destroyed today when it was revealed that he secretly holds a political office.

Laws

God was a punk. He made physical laws and moral laws, but he only allowed us to break the moral laws.

What is Linux?

Linux is a program you can install on your computer, like Google. It's open source, which means you share your screen with hundreds of other users in the cloud. There are many different "flavors" of Linux, including Unix and KDE, but the official flavor is called Ubuntu. The word "Ubuntu" is African for "open source". You can buy Ubuntu for $203, and it comes with Microsoft Office and Microsoft Firefox. However, there are no games available for Linux, so you should probably stay with Google if you like games.

Sunday evening

So, I was lancing some of my cerebral blisters when an idea popped in my head.

Reference interference

Why does

<?php $a=array(1);$b=$a;$a[0]=2;echo $b[0];?>

output 1, while

<?php $a=array(1);$c=&$a[0];$b=$a;$a[0]=2;echo $b[0];?>

outputs 2?

Rules

<hr> stands for Human Resources, and it is used to create a barrier that is very visible but not especially useful.

A twist

Spoiler: You die.

Starcraft II canceled

Starcraft II has been canceled. Instead, Blizzard has decided to put their focus on what they believe would be a more successful product: Solar System of Starcraft. You'll get to control a Terran, Zerg, or Protoss unit, exploring the solar system and taking on a wide range of quests from gathering 10 barrels of vespene gas to killing 10 zerglings. The release is planned for 2012, but an anonymous Blizzard insider leaked that they are expecting that date to be pushed back.

Unsubscribe Confirmation

This is to confirm that we have received your request to receive no further e-mail messages from us.

...Then why did you send me this e-mail?

Every 20 years

Every 20 years, there is an event that defines a generation.

• In 1929, the Great Depression began.
• In 1949, Mao Zedong's communist party took over China.
• In 1969, man landed on the Moon.
• In 1989, the Berlin Wall fell.
• In 2009, the first black U.S. President took office.
• In 2029, a new civil war erupted in China.
• In 2049, the first artificial sentient mind was created.
• In 2069, Internet Explorer's usage share dipped below 10%.

Image pun

• http://bit.ly/ej2sK
• http://bit.ly/12XVM0
• http://bit.ly/VmJ5L
• http://bit.ly/RYt5p

Party joke

Joe walks into a room where there's a party in full swing. They're serving various finger foods, and there's a big bowl of punch with dozens of people lined up to get some. Every time someone gets a cup of punch and takes a drink, that person immediately spits it out and throws it into the trash. Joe asks someone in line, “What is this?” The guy responds, “It's a bad punch line.”

Congress sucks

Congress sucks. All the nooks and crannies are filled with crooks and nannies.

If you insist

This nation was founded under the principles of deism. We should ban people who believe in a personal god.

Legend

According to legend, states that abolished slavery before the Civil War are colored blue. Also, 1 inch = 200 miles.

Free phone sex

You can get free phone sex if you pick up the phone and press "*69". Just remember to start talking dirty as soon as the phone sex operator picks up.

Chicken anime dream

I just had a really weird and vivid dream. The dream was like a cute and sad anime documentary about chickens.

According to that reality, baby chickens have this auto-detection mechanism to tell when there's some genetic problem with them, and the chicks with problems all gather into one little corner. The old crusty grandpa rooster dude then comes and kills those chicks.

So then the anime part comes. It starts at a first-year junior high class in a town full of blonde kids. But there's this one black-haired girl -- a cute tsundere who dresses in black punk clothes and never really acts like part of the rest of the class. But she has a crush on this guy in high school.

The guy learns that she has a crush on him and also that she has never been accepted by her peers, so he develops a sort of sympathy toward her. For a few weeks, they meet and talk, and the guy tries to help her through some of her problems. He learns that her biggest problem is her grandpa who just hates her. So one night, the guy tells her he's going to visit her house the next day to meet with the grandpa.

She goes home alone that night, and the grandpa is at home waiting for her. He asks why she was out so late, and she puts on this "none of your business" attitude. The grandpa then strikes her to the ground and proceeds to beat her to death.

The guy comes to the house the next morning, and is greeted by a smiling blonde-haired family. He asks where the girl is. The father explains that they have never had such a girl living there.

When a program errs, blame its programmer

<God> It's not a bug, it's a feature.

Don't Want To Be

I don't want to be anything other than
American Idol's been lately.
That's the reason why I sing this song like everyone else.
I think I'm so original
When I repeat this song about
How original I think I am.
I don't want to be anything other than them.