Suits

Oracle has filed a lawsuit against game developer Markus Persson, citing an object class member that violates the Java licensing agreement. The filing, which was published on the Oracle website Saturday afternoon, explains that an Oracle employee was in the process of auditing Persson's decompiled Java code during one of their routine inspections, when the auditor discovered a class field that was declared public.

"It's unfortunate," said James Gosling, who is credited with inventing the Java language, "but this rule has been in the Java EULA for a long time. Sun used to be pretty relaxed about this sort of stuff, but Oracle believes in enforcing the rules, and that's what they're doing."

We weren't able to reach Oracle for comment, because we couldn't afford the upgrade to their premium PR product.

Life

Life isn't complicated.

That is, unless you try to make it complicated.

That is, unless you are terrible at making it complicated.

That is, unless you get lucky and make it complicated anyway.

That is, unless what you've made complicated was actually a subjective interpretation of life and not really life itself.

That is, unless life itself is defined by how you experience it.

That is, unless that very idea implies that life is solely what you make of it and is therefore fundamentally uncomplicated.

That is, unless your very thoughts are products of complicated factors and not entirely within your control.

That is, unless you realize that it just isn't worth stressing over, and you let life be life.

It isn't that complicated.

How it works

Dippin' Dots are made by feeding ice cream to rabbits.

Causes of death

Guns don't kill people, insufficient oxygen flow to vital organs due to excessive blood loss through bullet wounds kills people.

Hurricane Earl

There once was a storm in Nantucket
we feared would hit hard once it struck it.
The media stressed,
but it turned for the best:
the rain barely filled up a bucket.

Sharing is bad

If Bob were to download child pornography on BitTorrent, he would be violating U.S. federal law. The logic behind that law is that downloading and sharing the content -- without even paying the creator of that content -- would lead to *increased* profits toward the content creator, which would in turn lead to *more* of it being produced.

If Bob were to download copyrighted music on BitTorrent, he would be violating U.S. federal law. The logic behind that law is that downloading and sharing the content -- without even paying the creator of that content -- would lead to *decreased* profits toward the content creator, which would in turn lead to *less* of it being produced.

...wait.

Legal question

Two super hot girls are having consensual sex with each other. Suddenly, girl A grabs you and forces you to go down on both of them (although you are perfectly fine with this turn of events). However, girl B only wants to have sex with girl A, not you, even though it's girl A that's making you have sex with girl B.

Is someone being raped here? If so, who, and by whom?

Julian Assange

Wikileaks rapin' errbody out herr!

Sheep wool, dogs drool

In Soviet Russia, you aren't a female sheep, a female sheep is ewe.

Thermodinomics

The Ice Age turned the dinosaurs into oil. If I know science, and I think I do, then if cold turns dinosaurs into oil, heat must surely turn oil into dinosaurs. This is why burning the gulf spill oil is a bad idea: we may eliminate the oil, but then the gulf will be SWARMING WITH DINOSAURS!

My drawing of Mohammed

:^(

Orly

In the beginning, there were three sibling gods: Geswhat, Noway, and Yeahway. Today, only Yeahway remains.

Sheep stick

A is for awake.
B is for bed.
C is for can't.
D is for dream.

Real health care reform

I would like to start a public campaign against the legal personhood of AIDS. I submit that AIDS are not people and should not be given the same legal status as people. Most importantly, they should not have the right to sign contracts. I believe that if it were no longer possible to contract AIDS, the world would be a better place.

The Termiskantor

The Terminator time-traveled to the 18th century to compose classical music. He even said so in the movie.

He said, “I'll be Bach.”

Communication

When I'm having sex with a Japanese girl, she always complains that I talk too much. She keeps saying, "Yada yada!"

Advantage

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is queen.

Height

I used to be 5'10" tall, but then I got a sex change and went to 5'4".

Fetal bukakke

As a proud Christian, I believe that an embryo is a human life, from the very moment of conception. I believe it is deserving of the same rights everyone else enjoys. Yet, some members of our society consider it perfectly acceptable (even recommended, by some far-left doctors) for the couple to continue having sex well into the pregnancy.

Any way you look at it, this is bukakke on a minor. For those who aren't familiar with the term, "bukakke" is a Japanese word that refers to two or more people excreting sexual fluids onto the body of another person. As the embryo is still in the mother's womb, it is subject to all of the sexual fluids exchanged during intercourse. It's effectively a form of rape, and, by extension, incest.

I believe I speak for all good Christian Americans when I say that fetal bukakke is sick, immoral, and must be stopped. The government needs to take a stand and ban fetal bukakke before it corrupts every last child. Studies have shown a clear link between fetal bukakke and evil behaviors later in life, including homosexuality, atheism, and socialist tendencies. We need to put a stop to this godless practice once and for all! Please write to your representatives and make your voices heard.