Getting laid

"Congratulations on the sex!"

"What sex?"

"I heard you got laid."

"I got laid off."

"Oh. Is that like getting jacked off?"

"No, just jacked."

Seatbelts

I like researching seatbelts. They're fastenating.

Goldfish

A goldfish's memory isn't nearly as long as my memory doesn't start to fade.

Hit job

I'm a hit man for the mob, and I got a pretty blonde for a wife. She's the prettiest thing, but she can be dumb as a rock sometimes. Once in a while, I'll ask her to do some of my dirty work for me. So I asks her one time, "Hey sweets, here's the info on this dame I need you to knock off. Could you do that for me?" She says, "Sure thing, baby." She leaves and I don't see her again for a couple weeks. She gets home and I asks her, "So, honey sweets, did you finally knock off that dame?" She says, "I'm tryin', baby, but I'm still gonna need more time." She leaves again for another couple weeks, but she comes back and it's the same story. For a few months, it goes like this, until finally I says, "This is taking you too long, sweets. What's the problem here?" She says, "Believe me, baby, I'm tryin' real hard. Every night, I'm at her place tryin' to knock her off, but she just ain't gettin' pregnant."

Gimli's plan

<Gimli> You distract him, and I'll club him over the head.

<Boromir> Is that legal?

<Gimli> Oh, is it? I thought it was Elrond. They all look alike.

Kira

<Kirino> inseki yori mooo (kira!) kyoudaina PAWAA deee (kira!)

<Meruru> "Kousaka Kirino. Accidental death."

Nanoha x Fate

<Fate> Hey Nanoha, don't you think it's time you and I got married?

<Nanoha> Married? Isn't that something lovers do?

<Fate> ...Aren't we lovers?

<Nanoha> I thought we were just really good friends.

<Fate> But... we have sex all the time.

<Nanoha> Is that what we were doing? I thought it was just a form of training.

<Fate> Not everything has to be training.

<Nanoha> You obviously didn't watch StrikerS.

Topless photos

Topless photos are the best photos. Nothing has ever topped topless. It's topless.