First!

During sex, we play this game where we try to see who can make the other person orgasm first.

I'm a gentleman, so I always let her win.

Wars

Wars are the peeing contests of the rich, and we're the yellow snow.

On to the Senate

House Republicans have just voted to extend key provisions in Godwin's Law.

I Will Live On

First I was afraid.
I was petrified.
Kept thinking I would turn and see
a creeper by my side.
But then I spent so many nights
digging holes into the ground.
What I found:
Diamond ore was all around.

And now I'm back
outside my base.
I just walked out to find you there
with that sad look upon your face.
And I've got all my armor on,
and I've got all my loaves of bread,
and I'm about to get my diamond
sword lodged in your shrubby head.

Go on and hiss, and flash away.
This place is in need
of renovation anyway.
You'll go out with a bang and think my hearts will be gone.
You think I'd red out.
You think I'd have to respawn.

Oh no, you're wrong.
I will live on.
As long as I can cook some pork,
I will see another dawn.
I've got all this dust to rig,
I've got all this ore to dig,
and I'll live on.
I will live on.

13 sets of 24

My doctor said I need to be more active, so I switched from manga to anime.

The choco cornet keeps spinning...

"How are we going to stop Konata Izumi from playing galgames?"

"We'll have to plant a seed deep into her subconscious."

"You're talking about inception!"

"Yes. First, we'll need to put her into a coma. Then, we'll enter her dream and put her dream self into a coma. We'll have to go three, maybe four levels deep."

"Four levels deep?! Isn't that-"

"Yes, a 4-coma."

I Love You More, Minecraft edition

I love you more than skeletons love spiders.
I love you more than spiders love riders.
I love you more than creepers emit megalux.

I love you more than reddit hates diggers.
I love you more than Notch hates Norwegians.
I love you more than chickens look like ducks.

Suits

Oracle has filed a lawsuit against game developer Markus Persson, citing an object class member that violates the Java licensing agreement. The filing, which was published on the Oracle website Saturday afternoon, explains that an Oracle employee was in the process of auditing Persson's decompiled Java code during one of their routine inspections, when the auditor discovered a class field that was declared public.

"It's unfortunate," said James Gosling, who is credited with inventing the Java language, "but this rule has been in the Java EULA for a long time. Sun used to be pretty relaxed about this sort of stuff, but Oracle believes in enforcing the rules, and that's what they're doing."

We weren't able to reach Oracle for comment, because we couldn't afford the upgrade to their premium PR product.