dinner.prepare();

<Me> Hello language, could you please prepare dinner?

<Java> Hang on. .......................................................... No, you idiot! You can't just ask me that. Please create some kind of work ticket and prepare a ticket delivery mechanism to send it to me. I'll look at it when I get around to it, but if your request doesn't strictly adhere to my contract, I'll throw a fit and quit.

<PHP> Yes sir, I'll do my best. If you want, I can tell you if I encounter any issues, but I'll try to get something made anyway. Let's see. "Peel the onions." It must mean these long green things. I'm not sure if they can be peeled, but here goes..

<JavaScript> Let me call myself first. Okay, I'm here. I'll just take your request and (do work here). Okay, now I'll build the tools I'll need from rocks and sticks. There we go. I'll call you when the task is finished, but you might not know you're you.

<Assembly> I place a potato on the counter. I step to the side. I place a potato on the counter. I step to the side. I place a potato on the-- *dies*

<CSS> Simple. First, I'll put these ingredients in the pot... Oh, these two ingredients seem to be clashing. I know, I could wrap this one in rice paper! No, that somehow made it worse. Let's try putting them in separate pots. Oh, but this other ingredient required them being together. Maybe I should try getting a second opinion. ...It seems he's allergic...

There she goes, that baby girl

A gay couple is suing Lady Gaga after accidentally placing their adopted infant on the Northbound train instead of the Southbound, despite Gaga's assurances that their baby was on the right track.

Holy grail

"Does anything interest you, sir?"

"I'm impressed by the make of this cup."

"Oh yes, it's a very well-made cup."

"It's large, yet I find it very easy to hold. If I may say, it's like the holy grail of cups."

"...Sir, I... I do believe the holy grail was, itself, a cup."

"What? Nonsense, it was a salver."

"A salver?"

"You know, a serving tray."

"Are you mad? The holy grail was the cup that Jesus drank from at the last supper. He couldn't drink from a tray."

"Are you suggesting that an omnipotent god who can walk on water and rise from the dead couldn't drink a bit of wine from a tray?"

"It would look silly."

"No it wouldn't."

"It would spill everywhere."

"No it wouldn't. He's a god."

"Why would he be drinking from a tray?"

"It was a miracle. No normal man could drink from a tray without spilling, but Jesus was no mere man. What would drinking from a cup prove?"

"Well, you do have a point."

"Damn right."

"So, you like the cup?"

"It's a lovely cup."

Monogatari

Monogatari is like K-ON without Azunyan. It's mono-guitary.

March of Advancing Unidentified Mysterious Multimeter Apocalyptons From Jupiter

<Armin> Annie.. um... I-I was wondering if.. maybe.. if you're not busy... if you wanted to come to my birthday party.
<Annie> It's your birthday?
<Armin> Yeah, I invited some of my friends, but... nobody's come. So..
<Annie> I'd love to!
<Armin> I-It's okay if you have other plans..
<Annie> No, I wouldn't miss your birthday party for the world. I'll be there.
<Armin> Thanks, Annie. You're the best!
*Annie arrives at Armin's house*
<Annie> Hi Armin. I-It was kinda short notice, but I got you a pre--
<Armin> CAPTURE HER!
<Annie> Huh? B-But.. the party?

<Armin> And that's how I knew SHE WAS THE CULPRIT!!
<Annie> You didn't mention the nose.
<Armin> The nose?
<Annie> ...Seriously? Do you know of any other human in existence with a nose like this?
<Armin> W-Well... I thought it might be rude to point it out...

<Sasha> Yuck. Your cooking tastes worse than titan.
<Conny> You've eaten titan?
<Sasha> I don't recommend it. No matter how much you eat, just a few minutes later and you're hungry again.

<Annie> I'm not going down there. It's dark.
<Eren> You have to. There's no other way.
<Annie> B-But I'm scared, onii-chan.
<Eren> O-Onii-chan? He-heh... Even Mikasa hasn't called me that...
<Mikasa> O... O...
<Armin> Look out, Annie is turning into a titan!!
<Mikasa> O.....

<Armin> Truth or dare?
<Annie> Truth.
<Armin> Okay, what's the weirdest thing you've eaten?
<Annie> Eren.
<Armin> .....Wait a minute.....

<Marlow> That guy you spoke of. Would he have killed them?
<Annie> Hm... *Pictures Eren punching the ground, frustrated with his own weakness, and doing nothing until Mikasa comes by and breaks the guy's arm.* Er.. y-yeah, of course he would have. Yeah...

<Eren> It's a joke, right? You're joking. You didn't really kill Petra, right?
<Annie> I killed some other people too, you know.
<Eren> But you didn't kill Petra, right?
<Annie> Well yeah, I obviously killed her. But I also killed lots of oth--
<Eren> How could you have done that to her?! She was my teammate!
<Annie> Didn't your team have like 6 or so people?
<Levi> So you're the female titan.
<Annie> Ah, Levi. Yes, and I killed your team.
<Levi> I will avenge her.
<Annie> ...I actually kinda feel bad for the other guys now.

Into That Room

I wanna be where the peep holes are.
I wanna see, wanna see them naked.
Walking around with those.. what do you call them?
Oh, boobs.

Listening in, you don't get too far.
Holes are required for looking, staring.
Watching the curves of the.. what's that word again?
Ass.

There where they bathe. There where they talk.
There where they grope each other while I gawk.
Defenseless and free. Wish I could see
Into that room.

Getting laid

"Congratulations on the sex!"

"What sex?"

"I heard you got laid."

"I got laid off."

"Oh. Is that like getting jacked off?"

"No, just jacked."

Seatbelts

I like researching seatbelts. They're fastenating.

Goldfish

A goldfish's memory isn't nearly as long as my memory doesn't start to fade.

Hit job

I'm a hit man for the mob, and I got a pretty blonde for a wife. She's the prettiest thing, but she can be dumb as a rock sometimes. Once in a while, I'll ask her to do some of my dirty work for me. So I asks her one time, "Hey sweets, here's the info on this dame I need you to knock off. Could you do that for me?" She says, "Sure thing, baby." She leaves and I don't see her again for a couple weeks. She gets home and I asks her, "So, honey sweets, did you finally knock off that dame?" She says, "I'm tryin', baby, but I'm still gonna need more time." She leaves again for another couple weeks, but she comes back and it's the same story. For a few months, it goes like this, until finally I says, "This is taking you too long, sweets. What's the problem here?" She says, "Believe me, baby, I'm tryin' real hard. Every night, I'm at her place tryin' to knock her off, but she just ain't gettin' pregnant."

Gimli's plan

<Gimli> You distract him, and I'll club him over the head.

<Boromir> Is that legal?

<Gimli> Oh, is it? I thought it was Elrond. They all look alike.

Kira

<Kirino> inseki yori mooo (kira!) kyoudaina PAWAA deee (kira!)

<Meruru> "Kousaka Kirino. Accidental death."

Nanoha x Fate

<Fate> Hey Nanoha, don't you think it's time you and I got married?

<Nanoha> Married? Isn't that something lovers do?

<Fate> ...Aren't we lovers?

<Nanoha> I thought we were just really good friends.

<Fate> But... we have sex all the time.

<Nanoha> Is that what we were doing? I thought it was just a form of training.

<Fate> Not everything has to be training.

<Nanoha> You obviously didn't watch StrikerS.

Topless photos

Topless photos are the best photos. Nothing has ever topped topless. It's topless.

To the pessimists

When Apollo 11 broke free of Earth's gravity, did Mission Control say, "Apollo G-excepted"?

Language dynamics

PHP: "What the fuck?"

Java: "FuuuuUUuuUUuuUUuuck..."

C: ".........Fuck!"

Perl: "The fuck is this?"

JavaScript: "Ah, fuck it."

Bash: "Oh. Fuck."

Babies

Too big for an easy labor.

Too small for hard labor.

Cloud storage

"We have developed a breakthrough technology: the ability to propagate data through water particles in the air, creating a self-stabilizing structure that allows us to read the data back with 100% accuracy."

"So, you're writing data.. to the cloud?"

"Well, yeah, we basically are."

"Old news, buddy. Cloud storage has been around for years now."

"No, this is different. In the past, data had to be stored on disks, and--"

"No, cloud storage is already deployed by Microsoft, Google, Amazon, Oracle, and others. You're way late to the game here. We're going to cut your R&D funding and pull off half of your team to other projects. Please use your remaining resources on something NEW."

Drums in the dark

<Legolas> Goblins!

<Goblin> No no, we're.. we're battle toads! Hehe.

<Boromir> They have a cave troll.

Unbounded ambition

Grandpa was a man of unbounded ambition. When he was getting old and we suggested that he get his affairs in order, he asked, "By breast size?"