dinner.prepare();

<Me> Hello language, could you please prepare dinner?

<Java> Hang on. .......................................................... No, you idiot! You can't just ask me that. Please create some kind of work ticket and prepare a ticket delivery mechanism to send it to me. I'll look at it when I get around to it, but if your request doesn't strictly adhere to my contract, I'll throw a fit and quit.

<PHP> Yes sir, I'll do my best. If you want, I can tell you if I encounter any issues, but I'll try to get something made anyway. Let's see. "Peel the onions." It must mean these long green things. I'm not sure if they can be peeled, but here goes..

<JavaScript> Let me call myself first. Okay, I'm here. I'll just take your request and (do work here). Okay, now I'll build the tools I'll need from rocks and sticks. There we go. I'll call you when the task is finished, but you might not know you're you.

<Assembly> I place a potato on the counter. I step to the side. I place a potato on the counter. I step to the side. I place a potato on the-- *dies*

<CSS> Simple. First, I'll put these ingredients in the pot... Oh, these two ingredients seem to be clashing. I know, I could wrap this one in rice paper! No, that somehow made it worse. Let's try putting them in separate pots. Oh, but this other ingredient required them being together. Maybe I should try getting a second opinion. ...It seems he's allergic...

There she goes, that baby girl

A gay couple is suing Lady Gaga after accidentally placing their adopted infant on the Northbound train instead of the Southbound, despite Gaga's assurances that their baby was on the right track.

Holy grail

"Does anything interest you, sir?"

"I'm impressed by the make of this cup."

"Oh yes, it's a very well-made cup."

"It's large, yet I find it very easy to hold. If I may say, it's like the holy grail of cups."

"...Sir, I... I do believe the holy grail was, itself, a cup."

"What? Nonsense, it was a salver."

"A salver?"

"You know, a serving tray."

"Are you mad? The holy grail was the cup that Jesus drank from at the last supper. He couldn't drink from a tray."

"Are you suggesting that an omnipotent god who can walk on water and rise from the dead couldn't drink a bit of wine from a tray?"

"It would look silly."

"No it wouldn't."

"It would spill everywhere."

"No it wouldn't. He's a god."

"Why would he be drinking from a tray?"

"It was a miracle. No normal man could drink from a tray without spilling, but Jesus was no mere man. What would drinking from a cup prove?"

"Well, you do have a point."

"Damn right."

"So, you like the cup?"

"It's a lovely cup."

Monogatari

Monogatari is like K-ON without Azunyan. It's mono-guitary.

March of Advancing Unidentified Mysterious Multimeter Apocalyptons From Jupiter

<Armin> Annie.. um... I-I was wondering if.. maybe.. if you're not busy... if you wanted to come to my birthday party.
<Annie> It's your birthday?
<Armin> Yeah, I invited some of my friends, but... nobody's come. So..
<Annie> I'd love to!
<Armin> I-It's okay if you have other plans..
<Annie> No, I wouldn't miss your birthday party for the world. I'll be there.
<Armin> Thanks, Annie. You're the best!
*Annie arrives at Armin's house*
<Annie> Hi Armin. I-It was kinda short notice, but I got you a pre--
<Armin> CAPTURE HER!
<Annie> Huh? B-But.. the party?

<Armin> And that's how I knew SHE WAS THE CULPRIT!!
<Annie> You didn't mention the nose.
<Armin> The nose?
<Annie> ...Seriously? Do you know of any other human in existence with a nose like this?
<Armin> W-Well... I thought it might be rude to point it out...

<Sasha> Yuck. Your cooking tastes worse than titan.
<Conny> You've eaten titan?
<Sasha> I don't recommend it. No matter how much you eat, just a few minutes later and you're hungry again.

<Annie> I'm not going down there. It's dark.
<Eren> You have to. There's no other way.
<Annie> B-But I'm scared, onii-chan.
<Eren> O-Onii-chan? He-heh... Even Mikasa hasn't called me that...
<Mikasa> O... O...
<Armin> Look out, Annie is turning into a titan!!
<Mikasa> O.....

<Armin> Truth or dare?
<Annie> Truth.
<Armin> Okay, what's the weirdest thing you've eaten?
<Annie> Eren.
<Armin> .....Wait a minute.....

<Marlow> That guy you spoke of. Would he have killed them?
<Annie> Hm... *Pictures Eren punching the ground, frustrated with his own weakness, and doing nothing until Mikasa comes by and breaks the guy's arm.* Er.. y-yeah, of course he would have. Yeah...

<Eren> It's a joke, right? You're joking. You didn't really kill Petra, right?
<Annie> I killed some other people too, you know.
<Eren> But you didn't kill Petra, right?
<Annie> Well yeah, I obviously killed her. But I also killed lots of oth--
<Eren> How could you have done that to her?! She was my teammate!
<Annie> Didn't your team have like 6 or so people?
<Levi> So you're the female titan.
<Annie> Ah, Levi. Yes, and I killed your team.
<Levi> I will avenge her.
<Annie> ...I actually kinda feel bad for the other guys now.

Into That Room

I wanna be where the peep holes are.
I wanna see, wanna see them naked.
Walking around with those.. what do you call them?
Oh, boobs.

Listening in, you don't get too far.
Holes are required for looking, staring.
Watching the curves of the.. what's that word again?
Ass.

There where they bathe. There where they talk.
There where they grope each other while I gawk.
Defenseless and free. Wish I could see
Into that room.

Getting laid

"Congratulations on the sex!"

"What sex?"

"I heard you got laid."

"I got laid off."

"Oh. Is that like getting jacked off?"

"No, just jacked."

Seatbelts

I like researching seatbelts. They're fastenating.